Fair (IV)
When was life really fair?..
Life has always been fair. I remember one clear incidenti failed to see the balance... it just seemed so unfair. going around in circles?.. let me begin.
The year was 2001, secondary 4. I studied by butt out for my Chinese 'O' level paper. why? my crappy caring teacher actually tricked me into believing that if i didn't pass my chinese, i couldnt get into JC (which i really wanted to) and hence i studied n studied.
It was a typical school day. Sunny, noisy and the last bell had rung more than an hour ago. I was in the school canteen, light filtering in from the corridoors, reflecting off the green, red and yellow tables. An emtpy plate lay infront of me, and a finished plastic cup that held my favorite drink then - Bandung.
"sigh.." time to study again. I dragged my feet, returned the plate to the store and threw away the cup. whipping out my trusty small "book of words" i continued my trudging towards the bus stop.
"have been doing this the past few weeks, 3 more books to go..." i thought to myself. my finger shifted left, right, up, down, parting only air, while my mind desperatly tried to memorise the strokes and the characters. Meaning.. and than an examplary setence if deemed necessary.
"its getting easier" i smiled to myself. I figured that certain figures would have a standard meaning. This means this, that roughly means that.. i think.. or is it? whatever...
studied on the bus to the interchange, studied on the bus home. In fact took a longer bus route on purpose. studied when i got home, ate, studied, napped, studied.. u get the idea.
The day the paper came i was rather confident, more confident than half a year ago. it was the 'O' level prelim papers. Not that important, but a good guage for the actual 'O's.
Day of the results came. I failed.
yes i failed..
after 1mnth of studying.
its not fair.
people study for 1 wk,
ppl merely flip through and they get a1 for higher chinese..
im doing the mere normal chinese
and i failed.
not a distinction, far from it
FAIL
LOSER
GO DIE IN HELL
i kept my composure. Smiled at my friends
"its ok, its only prelims" (oh shut up.. u got a2)
"are you ok"... smile (please go away and shut up)
"lets go out and have fun.." (good idea...)
pain is but tempolary,
but fun with a knife still in your heart is like a flickering TV.
there, not there.. oh its there again.. flicker flicker..
i got home,
told my mum my results
and lay down.
closed my eyes. Im never going to be able to do this. Its 'O' levels.. i cant manage. my life came crumbling down like an ice kachang melting under a water hose. Its the end. Im a certified loser. Happy thoughts.. happy thoughts... think of the people who did worst than you... but what the heck, who are you trying to decieve. They didnt study as hard. In fact some didnt even bother to study. What about the people who didnt study and still got outstanding results? are they ugly? well not all, poor? no. pathetic? no. I am the pathetic one.
effort does no equals results..
wanting something to work, doesnt always mean it will work
no matter how hard you try.
its another reality check for me.. the last one being me unable to sleep well when i first realised i was going to die. that everybody would die some day during the ebola virus period (most people remember the movie "outbreak" better) but that was childish... to me now. its all part of growing up, one day some new "life lesson" would pop up and you would have to deal with it. mature.
my friend called. I cried. omg, i freaking cry to a guy friend? im such a wuss. cry? whats wrong with crying? ya nothing wrong, except its SO WRONG. Emotions let out, mind went haywire. 1mnth of pent up frustrations and expectations resulted in just a stupid failed subject.
my life.. this is my life..
of course it got better. over time. Time always does that. time heals, time lets u learn, time makes you grow up. i just love time (but taking my own sweet time .. makes people angry.. .. er.. anyway... ..) yup...
after school soon after that, i went to get my ear pierced. First ear piercing. whether out of frustration, fun, as a form of escape, stupidity, rashness... i guess its a combination of all. But i loved my piercing.. 2 in fact. Left ear.. "right ear means gay" they all say
at the end of it all..
at the end of the year
another peircing again on my left ear..
(hehe that makes 3! hee)
at the end of it all
perhaps it wasnt that bad afterall
with the major setback of the prelims
doubly hard i worked for my dream
and a major amazment i achieved.
dont mean to brag
but its my blog afterall
i got within the top 20 of my cohort
*pat pat* you could do it after all =)
a single digit score
some people didnt believe
some in awe
btw, i got a b3 for 'O' chinese...
failed my first sitting for 'AO' chinese though... damn.
yea and if you were guessing, it resulted in number 4.
Life has always been fair. I remember one clear incidenti failed to see the balance... it just seemed so unfair. going around in circles?.. let me begin.
The year was 2001, secondary 4. I studied by butt out for my Chinese 'O' level paper. why? my crappy caring teacher actually tricked me into believing that if i didn't pass my chinese, i couldnt get into JC (which i really wanted to) and hence i studied n studied.
It was a typical school day. Sunny, noisy and the last bell had rung more than an hour ago. I was in the school canteen, light filtering in from the corridoors, reflecting off the green, red and yellow tables. An emtpy plate lay infront of me, and a finished plastic cup that held my favorite drink then - Bandung.
"sigh.." time to study again. I dragged my feet, returned the plate to the store and threw away the cup. whipping out my trusty small "book of words" i continued my trudging towards the bus stop.
"have been doing this the past few weeks, 3 more books to go..." i thought to myself. my finger shifted left, right, up, down, parting only air, while my mind desperatly tried to memorise the strokes and the characters. Meaning.. and than an examplary setence if deemed necessary.
"its getting easier" i smiled to myself. I figured that certain figures would have a standard meaning. This means this, that roughly means that.. i think.. or is it? whatever...
studied on the bus to the interchange, studied on the bus home. In fact took a longer bus route on purpose. studied when i got home, ate, studied, napped, studied.. u get the idea.
The day the paper came i was rather confident, more confident than half a year ago. it was the 'O' level prelim papers. Not that important, but a good guage for the actual 'O's.
Day of the results came. I failed.
yes i failed..
after 1mnth of studying.
its not fair.
people study for 1 wk,
ppl merely flip through and they get a1 for higher chinese..
im doing the mere normal chinese
and i failed.
not a distinction, far from it
FAIL
LOSER
GO DIE IN HELL
i kept my composure. Smiled at my friends
"its ok, its only prelims" (oh shut up.. u got a2)
"are you ok"... smile (please go away and shut up)
"lets go out and have fun.." (good idea...)
pain is but tempolary,
but fun with a knife still in your heart is like a flickering TV.
there, not there.. oh its there again.. flicker flicker..
i got home,
told my mum my results
and lay down.
closed my eyes. Im never going to be able to do this. Its 'O' levels.. i cant manage. my life came crumbling down like an ice kachang melting under a water hose. Its the end. Im a certified loser. Happy thoughts.. happy thoughts... think of the people who did worst than you... but what the heck, who are you trying to decieve. They didnt study as hard. In fact some didnt even bother to study. What about the people who didnt study and still got outstanding results? are they ugly? well not all, poor? no. pathetic? no. I am the pathetic one.
effort does no equals results..
wanting something to work, doesnt always mean it will work
no matter how hard you try.
its another reality check for me.. the last one being me unable to sleep well when i first realised i was going to die. that everybody would die some day during the ebola virus period (most people remember the movie "outbreak" better) but that was childish... to me now. its all part of growing up, one day some new "life lesson" would pop up and you would have to deal with it. mature.
my friend called. I cried. omg, i freaking cry to a guy friend? im such a wuss. cry? whats wrong with crying? ya nothing wrong, except its SO WRONG. Emotions let out, mind went haywire. 1mnth of pent up frustrations and expectations resulted in just a stupid failed subject.
my life.. this is my life..
of course it got better. over time. Time always does that. time heals, time lets u learn, time makes you grow up. i just love time (but taking my own sweet time .. makes people angry.. .. er.. anyway... ..) yup...
after school soon after that, i went to get my ear pierced. First ear piercing. whether out of frustration, fun, as a form of escape, stupidity, rashness... i guess its a combination of all. But i loved my piercing.. 2 in fact. Left ear.. "right ear means gay" they all say
at the end of it all..
at the end of the year
another peircing again on my left ear..
(hehe that makes 3! hee)
at the end of it all
perhaps it wasnt that bad afterall
with the major setback of the prelims
doubly hard i worked for my dream
and a major amazment i achieved.
dont mean to brag
but its my blog afterall
i got within the top 20 of my cohort
*pat pat* you could do it after all =)
a single digit score
some people didnt believe
some in awe
btw, i got a b3 for 'O' chinese...
failed my first sitting for 'AO' chinese though... damn.
yea and if you were guessing, it resulted in number 4.
posted by ray at 10:44 AM
1 Comments:
no idea how to remove the spammers comments leh.. u noe how??
i had 4 peircings..
my ear swollen? huh?? care to explain...
aniway im doing ok ba
Post a Comment
<< Home