Girl (III)

"Help me carry my books can?" she said.

i gladly held the books Dian handed over. Dian and i were good friends. Close friends. We were part of what seemed to be the most happening ECA (extra cirricular activity) in school. Why? we were one of the biggest, noisiest bunch of people in school. One in which the members from all levels would gather together in the middle of the school canteen during breaks and after school and just chat, joke, laugh and idle our time away. seemingly the most fun i ever had.

one of the leaders of the group really liked us, and i was made to follow his footsteps and one day maybe replace his responsibilities.

'probably only because he liked us.' I thought. Than i thought again,
'nah, its also because i can get along well with people... and i can lead what.'

i smiled to myself. I was to be made the student band conductor while Dian was to be one in charge of the band. It was evident, we were displaying leadership within the most influencial group in the band. It was an understatement. But its not like we just got it through a golden spoon, we worked our way up. Forming friendships was recreational, but the work involved was also work afterall. Staying back, pitching in, helping out has its returns.

On the bus ride, Shawn, my close buddy asked me.

"you like her ah?" i kept quiet but i guess the silence gave me away.
"you like her why not jio her? i will support you all the way." he smiled and patted me on the back.
"is this love?" i wondered. never had i felt a feeling like this. wanting to be with someone, to be with, to help, to protect. First love? infatuation.. oh what the heck.

we went to the usual Macdonalds at Bedok interchange for more chatter.

I looked into her eyes. The twinkle, the little rabbit teeth she had, her long flowy hair, the way she laughed. I smiled.

one week later, at the same Macdonalds, things were different. Shawn seemed distant. Was something wrong? I knew my senses were right. I was getting good at such stuff.. Knowing how people think, roughly knowing how they would react. Somehow it seemed once i understood enough about someone, i could pick up the way he thinks. sorta like picking up the clues lying around and piecing up the puzzle based on experience. Always learning. I liked it that way.

i looked at shawn's eyes. He looked at me and smiled.

i spoke to a mutual friend in private.
"whats happening? something happen right?" he kept quiet. Sigh, i was right.
"something about shawn? something is wrong, i could sense it even though he was joking and stuff." further silence, he didnt want to look me in the eyes.
"whats up?" i said sincerely.
"shawn likes Dian too"
"huh!" when one week ago he was telling me to jio her?

the thing is, Shawn is a much better looker than i am. flawless skin, a slight V forming his back, cool flowy hair, tan, deep shiny eyes, cute smile. But still i was the better choice. I am the better choice. or so i thought.

Shawn was immature. Everybody knew that. Furthermore i was on the same level as Dian. We had so much in common. Wait!.. this was Shawn i am thinking about. My close buddy. How could i have such toughts of my buddy? Good thoughts, good thoughts.

my mind in a slight whirl, slight disorientation i pulled Shawn aside and spoke to him.

"something wrong?"
"nothing la.." he dragged the sentence, still smiling.
"Dian?" i questioned. he paused. the world seemed to pause.
"How you know?"
"thats not important. Am i your good friend?"
"of course la. i your good friend also right?"
"yes, thats why i want to speak to you.... so how?"

we both looked at each other. Was a single girl going to change everything? The balance that we had. The brotherhood. The time two of us spent talking in the quiet corners of school. about life, family, us. Jokes, laughter, smiles. The time he shoved ice cream up my nose, the time we threw water on each other in water fights in the toilet. The time we sang our own vulgar versions of songs on the bus, the thing that we had.

"lets do this fairly, we let her choose." he suggested
"ok" i agreed
"but lets always remain as good friends k?" i added.
we both smiled.

On the way to the interchange someone blurted out to Dian that both Shawn and i liked her. People can get so gossipy and news spreads faster than you think.

Dian was in shock. She kept quiet and took a bus home. It was the start of the competition. I looked at Shawn.. not knowing it would be the last time i would see him as someone i could trust fully.

Dian chose Shawn. Even though most of the group felt i was the better choice, she still chose Shawn. Looks do matter, i learned. Kept that pointer in a little hidden pocket at the back of my frustrated mind. And to make matters worst, Shawn changed. In love, he disregarded my feelings and openly displayed their affections in front of me. I was hurt.

Maybe i was too sensitive. But still i was infatuated. So i did the next best thing, i told the group i needed a breather, so as not to see the 2 of them together. Our group was so integrated that almost everything was done together, yet i had to expel myself from my joy of being in school.
A good choice i felt. I could advert more heartache.

The days dragged tiresome and long and people in the group missed me. Occassionally a few of them joined me, tryin to talk me into getting over it ASAP and to just tag along with the group.

"everything will be okay" they assured.
well, perhaps they were right.

I tried joining them for a Hari Raya outing in which we visited malay households. But as the day grew on, my heartache grew from a pinch to intense pounding. seeing them feeding each other, holding closely when taking photos was too much for me to bear. As the day grew dark, my smiled erased and inverted.

I lost. I lost.
I lost a good friend. I lost another.
I lost a feeling of being carefree.
I lost the feeling of being totally mindless and happy with them.
Soon i too grew tired of them.
Insipid.
the great times i had was gone.
Faster and sooner than i expected.
With a Wham Bam
The balance was disrupted.
It ended.